Driving down Spalding Dr., at two in the morning, in desperate need of what God had to say to me. I was a little bit younger then I am now. I could not listen to save my life. I had just experienced one of the biggest heart breaks in my entire life. The more I thought about it the more my heart started to race. My stomach twisted into more and more knots, to the point where I thought I was going to quit breathing. The farther my thoughts started to race, the more I realized that I couldn't do this. Then something happened. Without even thinking about it I suddenly shouted out," Why am I not good enough for anyone?" as I burst into tears. Oh my God. That's what it was about. That's what it had always been about. At times in my life when I felt incompetent a small part of me held onto that 9 year old kid sitting in a church office grasping to a chair. That prayer is where a lot of freedom began.
"But what if I fall and hurt myself, would you know how to fix me? What if I went and lost myself, would you know where to find me? If I forgot who I am, would you please remind me?"
-Rosi Golan
The same questions that Ms. Golan asks in the above text are questions that I asked so many people, places, and things throughout my entire life. It is so bizarre. Our human nature, the image we bear, our stained souls know that something out there can fix us, find us, and tell us who we are. And we begin an honest search and then somewhere along the way we get content with fake answers and so we stay in the darkness, just as long as it still feels good. Then when we start to feel less good we move on to the next thing to find these answers in. I believe that anyone who honestly seeks the truth is going to find it. The problem is that so many of us stop honestly searching for it.
For those of you that are reading this for the sake of skimming off the top of what I am figuring out in Simi, I am sure you are asking," What does this conclude here?" Conclusion: We are all looking for something that is going to answer these questions, and only one honest answer exists. YHWY.
Lets be honest here. Nobody reads Matthew 1, the genealogy of Jesus as their morning devotional. One thing I have learned out here though is this. If you read through that genealogy and research his ancestors in the old testament you will find this. Prostitutes, murderers, and sex addicts. Liers, disloyal, and people who made bad decisions when they drank to much. In the very genealogy of Jesus you would find a picture of the hopeless, lowest of the low, asking the world," If I fall and hurt myself, would you know how to fix me?" Not the elite. He wanted to come from the very people who needed his answers the most. Fixed, found, and reminded.
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