If I give you $2000 will you tell me I matter?

Driving down Spalding Dr., at two in the morning, in desperate need of what God had to say to me. I was a little bit younger then I am now. I could not listen to save my life. I had just experienced one of the biggest heart breaks in my entire life. The more I thought about it the more my heart started to race. My stomach twisted into more and more knots, to the point where I thought I was going to quit breathing. The farther my thoughts started to race, the more I realized that I couldn't do this. Then something happened. Without even thinking about it I suddenly shouted out," Why am I not good enough for anyone?" as I burst into tears. Oh my God. That's what it was about. That's what it had always been about. At times in my life when I felt incompetent a small part of me held onto that 9 year old kid sitting in a church office grasping to a chair. That prayer is where a lot of freedom began.

"But what if I fall and hurt myself, would you know how to fix me? What if I went and lost myself, would you know where to find me? If I forgot who I am, would you please remind me?"

-Rosi Golan

The same questions that Ms. Golan asks in the above text are questions that I asked so many people, places, and things throughout my entire life. It is so bizarre. Our human nature, the image we bear, our stained souls know that something out there can fix us, find us, and tell us who we are. And we begin an honest search and then somewhere along the way we get content with fake answers and so we stay in the darkness, just as long as it still feels good. Then when we start to feel less good we move on to the next thing to find these answers in. I believe that anyone who honestly seeks the truth is going to find it. The problem is that so many of us stop honestly searching for it.

For those of you that are reading this for the sake of skimming off the top of what I am figuring out in Simi, I am sure you are asking," What does this conclude here?" Conclusion: We are all looking for something that is going to answer these questions, and only one honest answer exists. YHWY.

Lets be honest here. Nobody reads Matthew 1, the genealogy of Jesus as their morning devotional. One thing I have learned out here though is this. If you read through that genealogy and research his ancestors in the old testament you will find this. Prostitutes, murderers, and sex addicts. Liers, disloyal, and people who made bad decisions when they drank to much. In the very genealogy of Jesus you would find a picture of the hopeless, lowest of the low, asking the world," If I fall and hurt myself, would you know how to fix me?" Not the elite. He wanted to come from the very people who needed his answers the most. Fixed, found, and reminded.

But why is the rum gone?

As I sat in a chair made for people 10x as small as me, helping a four year old named Keenen draw a picture of a dog on top of a house, while a six year old girl named Brooke put a hat made out of plato on top of my head, I thought to myself," This is not all there is."

Not the thought most people would have when they are helping baby sit 30 plus children under the age of eight, but it made since to me. I remember being four years old getting carried through the hall of Edmond church of Christ by my preschool teacher. At the time I was certain that that was all there was for my life. I couldn't think beyond if we were going to have gold fish or graham crackers for snack-time. 17 years later, I look back and I can learn one thing from that moment. 'This' will never be all there is.

Whatever "this" is, that's up for interpretation. What I mean though is the present moment in my life, looking at what I have and don't have, it will change and it will become a much more intense adventure as I go further down it.

In the church, we have the opportunity to do what makes our hearts come alive. I know everyone seems to have this opportunity but how many people go to bed at night next to someone and wake up feeling lonely? We are given the chance to stop tears from hitting the ground. We are given the chance to shine light on what's causing the carnage of life. We are given the chance to live an adventure beyond anything we could have planned. But most of us are haunted by one lie; This is all there is.

Sex sells

"Big terms are used by scholars to make subjects

that aren't complicated sound complicated"
-Douglas Main

I remember the first time I was challenged with the words "Take Heart". I was 18 years old and going through a life that I didn't think was going to change. Shortly afterwards I had them permanently placed on my body. Not because I believed in these words. I couldn't commit to saying I believed in them. But if they were true, and that was a big if, then hope existed for me. Take heart; I have overcome the world. It haunted me in the most beautiful way possible. Little did I know, how much pure hope really existed.

I am not going to lie, the work load in California is over-whelming. They really challenge us with education. One thing that is pushed though is that if you are doing it for a degree, for an A+, for any reason other then learning more about God, yourself, and love then you aren't going to survive. When you come to education, you have to come for the right reason. We are taught these things so that we can play a vital role in teaching a world how to love. It is how he is still over-coming the world. By using his body.

I cried three times today, and if you know me then you know that this is slightly unusual. Lately God has broken my heart for the hurting of this earth. Daily we watch a world take advantage of the poor, exploit women, sell humans for sex, and force children to be soldiers. Kids are born into homes run by junkies and it seems like nobody is doing anything about it. We have to remember though. The hurting will know that God is on their side. That is why we still have to fight for a child's right to play.